Closer

Alhamdulillah, I felt a lot better now. Some of the heavy burden assignment and presentation has passed, and there is a little bit more to do so I quite free. I'm really felt happy for quite some time, I'm no longer being plagued by old love that have been turned to dust and bits, I'm no longer felt depressed because of heavy work and stuff.

Most of all, I thankful to Allah, for every single thing He gave to me. This breath, this eyesight, this heartbeat, is all His, not mine. I glad I'm still living and breathing til this day. Thankful, because He gave me yet another chance to get closer to Him. I managed to do Dhuha prayer every morning, and also I felt a lot lighter than usual. I still remember the first time I do long two rakaat Dhuha with 10 Al-Qursi on first rakaat and 10 Al Ikhlas on the second rakaat years ago during my diploma, my nail eventually turn blue and purple because standing for too long. Alhamdulillah, now I felt more like sitting than standing.

Its not without problem though, I have come to one time I almost lost it. I thought I would never be forgiven by Him because the thing I do. But after I heard one ceramah from Ustaz Shamsuri about when we have a small figment of thought to ask for His help, His forgiveness, He already ready to give it to us. Ustaz Shamsuri continues, when we take one step toward Him, He take 10 step to us, like running toward us. At that moment I can't bear to hear it and tears start running down my cheek. I stop the ceramah and quickly perform solah asking for His forgiveness for this ignorant self.

How much do we know about solah? Do we think whatever that we do is right. Yes you might say so because we doing it for as long as we remember. But how many of us finetuning their solah? I just listen to Ustaz Kazim Elias about the importance of solah. It's the first thing being asked when we passed away, thus is is THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT thing we should check. Its like in our exam, if we do exam but we don't study for it, can we pass? Same as solah, if we don't study about the correct way of doing it, can we pass our solah? I still checking the meaning of each words in solah, to make me perform better, more kusyuk. The more I read, the more I felt how small I am. The more insignificant of I if He isn't there to help me. First thing that captures my attention in doa iftitah, I don't know how to express this with words, so I hope you see what I see

Aku hadapkan wajahku kepada Allah yang menjadikan langit dan bumi, dengan keadaan suci lagi berserah diri; dan aku bukanlah dari golongan orang-orang musyrik. Sesungguhnya shalatku, ibadahku, hidupku, matiku hanya semata-mata bagi Allah, Tuhan Semesta alam. Tidak ada sekutu baginya, demikian aku diperintahkan, dan aku adalah termasuk kedalam golongan orang-orang yang berserah diri.

 How beautiful is that? I never read something so beautiful, and so meaningful. And how could I never know its meaning in the first place? Do I really just follow what others do without knowing it in the first place? And that is just the starting, doa iftitah, not to mention any other doa in solah. Oh Allah, there is so much to learn.....even from something that we do on daily basis.

I am in constant watch from him, every single second, every single moment. He never forgets, never forget to give me air to breath, never forget to give pulse to pump blood in my heart, but how much time did I spend in a day thinking of Him? The more I think of this, the more I felt I am not the kind of person who would qualify to go to Jannah. I felt all the ibadah I do is not sufficient, not enough to get to Him. One of Raihan nasyeed comes to mind; titled Sesungguhnya. The lyric is so true...

Sebenarnya, hati ini cinta kepada-Mu
Sebenarnya, diri ini rindu kepada-Mu

Tapi aku tidak mengerti
Mengapa cinta masih tak hadir
Tapi aku tidak mengerti
Mengapa rindu belum berbunga

Sesungguhnya, walau kukutip
Semua permata di dasar lautan
Sesungguhnya, walau kusiram
Dengan air hujan dari tujuh langitpun
Namun cinta takkan hadir
Namun rindu tak akan berbunga

Kucoba menhulurkan sebuah hadiah kepada-Mu
Tapi mungkin isinya tidak sempurna tiada seri
Kucuba menyiramnya agar tumbuh berbunga
Tapi mungkin kerana airnya tidak sesegar telaga kautsar

Sesungguhnya walau kukutip
Semua permata di dasar lautan
Sesungguhnya walau kusiram
Dengan air hujan dari tujuh langitpun
Namun cinta takkan hadir
Namun rindu tak akan berbunga
Jika tidak mengharap rahmat-MU
Jika tidak menagih simpati
Pada Mu Ya Allah

Tuhan, hadiahkanlah kasih-Mu kepadaku
Tuhan, kurniakanlah rinduku kepada-Mu
Moga ku tahu syukurku, adalah milik-Mu